(Drinker)
Hello, Hello
My name's Terry and I'm a law-abider
There's nothing I like more than getting fired up on beer
And when the weekend's here
I exercise my right to get paralytic and fight
Good bloke fairly
But I get well leery when geezers look at me funny
Bounce 'em round like bunnies
I'm likely to cause mischief
Good clean grief you must believe
And I ain't no thief, law-abiding and all, all legal
And who cares about my liver when it feels good?
What you need is some real manhood
Rasher, Rasher, burning cash up
Putting people's backs up
Public disorder, I'll give you public disorder
I down eight pints and run all over the place
Spit in the face of an officer
See if that bothers ya
'Cause I never broke a law in my life
Some day I'm gonna settle down with a wife
Come on lads let's have another fight

(Marijuana Smoker)
Um, Hello
My name's Tim and I'm a criminal
In the eyes of society I need to be in jail
For the choice of herbs I inhale
This ain't no wholesale operation
Just a few eighths and some Playstation's my vocation
I pose a threat to the nation
And down at the station the police hold no patience
Let's talk space and time
I like to get deep sometimes
And think about Einstein and Carl Jung
And old Kung Fu movies I like to see
Pass the hydrator please
Yeah, I'm floating on thin air
Going to Amsterdam in the New Year - top gear there
'Cause I take pride in my hobby
Home-made bongs using my engineering degree
"Dear leaders, please legalize weed for these reasons."

(Drinker)
Like I was saying to him
I told him, "F**k with me and you won't live."
So I smacked him in the head and downed another Carling
Bada Bada Bing
For the lad's like, mad fight
His face a sad sight, Vodka and Snake Bite
Going on like a right geez
He's a twat!
Shouldn't have looked at me like that
Anyway, I'm an upstanding citizen
If a war came along I'd be on the front line with 'em
Can't stand crime either, them hooligans on heroin
Drugs and criminals
Those thugs are the pinnacle of the downfall of society
I've got all the anger pent up inside of me

(Marijuana Smoker)
You know, I don't see why I should be the criminal
How can something with no recorded fatalities be illegal?
And how many deaths are there per year from alcohol?
I just completed Gran Turismo on the hardest setting
We pose no threat on my setee
Ooh the pizza's here, will someone let him in please?
We didn't order chicken
Not a problem, we'll pick it out
I doubt they meant to mess us about
After all we're all adults, not louts
As I was saying, we're friendly peaceful people
We're not the ones out there causing trouble
We just sit in this hazy bubble with our quarters
Discussing how beautiful Gail Porter is
MTV, BBC 2, Channel 4 is on until six in the morning
Then at six in the morning the sun dawns and it's my bedtime

(Drinker)
Causing trouble?!
Your stinking rabble boys
Saying I'm the lad who's spoiling it
You're on drugs
It really bugs me when people try and tell me I'm a thug
Just for getting drunk
I like getting drunk
'Cause I'm an upstanding citizen
If a war came along I'd be on the front line with 'em

(Marijuana Smoker)
Now Terry, you're repeating yourself
But that's okay, drunk people can't help that
A chemical reaction happening inside your brain causes you to forget what you're saying

(Drinker)
What?
I know exactly what I'm saying
I'm perfectly sane
You stinking student lame-o
Go get a job and stop robbing us of our taxes

(Marijuana Smoker)
Um, well actually according to research
Government funding for further education pales in insignificance
When compared to how much they spend on repairing leery drunk people at the weekend
In casualty wards all over the land

(Drinker)
Why you cheeky little swine, come here!
I'm gonna batter ya!
Come here!